Thursday, 29 March 2012

Just a Thought - Sexy Vampires... Really?

I would like to know who was the first oh-so-clever person who happened to wake up one morning and think to themselves... 'Oh yeah, you know what we need "Sexy Vampires" that can get all rude and dirty and stuff... and maybe don't go poof in the sun, cause that would be a dull story. Maybe we should just have them have a lot of sex and squirt their non existent Vampy love juice all over some kinky types.'

So if Vamps are - undead - cannot have babies, don't have a working circulatory system... How do they get it up? Erections need blood, it pumps from one head to the other (yes, I know it's more complicated than that). Wait for it, I can hear your cogs turning... Don't you dare answer with - "They drink blood!" - Shame on you, I eat steak, does this fuel my rampaging man-thing? Cause it doesn't (well it does but, once again it's complicated).

And please don't come back with some dredged up Twiglet nonsense (yes it sold well, but I will never get back the time I've lost watching "Breaking Yawn" Part arse, to keep Lady Auburnville happy).

In my mind, if they existed they would be about as sexy as a paedophile. (Yes I went there!) A hundred-plus year old hanging about with teenagers wouldn't be looked on kindly by anyone... MJ was only half that age and look how that turned out.

I suspect Mr Vampy Pants may well have the frustrated sex drive of Herbert from Family Guy, he may look as dashing as Quagmire but inside, he knows he can't get it up, (and as for dried up old Mrs Vampy Thong don't get me stated on the lube... oh the horror) which is why he chases young ladies (preferably one with a undiagnosed asthma condition) about the playground. "I'm... so... in love" she wheezed while she rolls her eyes and bobbles her little head. "Giggity".

Oh and the joy we shall have in a few years time, when Chavs across the world will put the name "Renesmee" to the top of the list for most popular baby name for girls.

Why fantasise about getting bled dry by a reasonably attractive parasite, when we will all have ageing parents, teenagers, and quite possibly an ex-spouse to do that for us.

Until next time...

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