The Secret Blog Of J.K Rowling

That's right, using undiscovered evidence, those special people at THEY, have discovered that I am in fact J.K.

And I don't mean the hat wearing, sports car driving, corner of the earth hogging one either.

Yes, apparently my uncle's, cousin's, hairdresser's cat overheard the news only today that not only am I secretly J.K but so is my wife (thanks for that one Python).

Microfiction And Other News...

Some of you may have noticed that I haven't posted any Microfiction recently. The reason has been a simple one. I've been trying to get my work published and most publishers do not want to use content that has been seen before. Even if it's only been on my little blog.

So, if you follow this link it will take you to Tribe and my first published piece. Where it can be found on page 91 & 92, complete with illustration.

In other news and by way of a naughty tease, my first novel should be published by the end of the year. As soon as I have the release date I will let you know...

It's fair to say that I'm quite pleased.

Until next time...

Guilty Of Crimes Against Literature.

At the risk of being branded a "Hater" I would just like to bring your attention to this ...Ahem, biography by/of Lauren Goodger of TOWIE fame.

For those of you out there that don't know, and I wish to the Magic-8-Ball that I didn't.
"The Only Way Is Essex."

The Story So Far...

This is now the sixth time that I've started this blog today. The issue I'm having is one of tone. Initially I thought it would be a piece about excitement. Last night I found out I would receive a call today from the publishing house I've been courting. So, it's fair to say I was very excited.

The call itself was very useful one, if for no other reason than to actually talk to someone. The publishing business is strange, in most cases it's email contact only and you need the patience of a fly fisherman. (Come to me, you lovely publishing trout). You sit around waiting for the deliberations to be made about your work. Everyone who knows what's going on always asks... "Anything?" To which you reply full of hope... "Is there bollocks!"

You may have poured months if not years of your life into those pages, but nobody cares... There's always more pressing business than yours.

The Story So Far...

Hello and welcome back to 2013. I was thinking, that some sort of "Happy New Year" would be appropriate at this point. There you go then... Glad we have that out of the way, broken the Ice, so to speak.

I have news, of sorts. One, maybe two of my Microfictions are going to be published. Yes, I know right. Exciting stuff, I was hoping to be able to tell you more but I haven't received anything official yet. I don't even know which issue. So, it would be safe to say that I will be posting again, sooner rather than later to fill you in.

The Story So Far...

Ha ha, I'm so annoyed with myself... Why? I hear you ask, well let me tell you. I, as do many other borderline creative types, like to keep a notebook handy. You just never know when an idea will strike, and I'm buggered if I can remember that same earth shattering gem two minutes later. And as for the ideas that won't let me sleep...

So, it's a pad by the bed, notebook in my jacket pocket and yet another larger one in my bag... You get the idea.

The Story So Far...

Dartington Hall

Hmm, August already... I know what you're thinking, what happened to July? Right, I know, it shot past. I had some fun, mostly in the guise of work. I also had a birthday, yes indeed I'm getting old. So back to this fun stuff.

In July I attended (which is code for worked many, many long days) the WAYS WITH WORDS literary festival. A ten day event, held at the beautiful Dartington hall.

The Story So Far...

What a terrifying thing it is to want to be a writer. When I say "want to be" obviously I mean a published writer. Of course, when I talk about published, I'm talking about "Traditional publishing" that's in print, in a book made of paper and ink, that can be found on a shelf in a shop (or purchased from the Internet). A book that I didn't have to pay for and if I'm really lucky, gets me paid.

Why terrifying? I hear you gasp. Let me break it down for you. Cue the music! What, no music - Okay hum along with me (the "Knight Rider" theme will do... No, the original one. Jesus, you crazy kids).

Just a Thought - Sexy Vampires... Really?

I would like to know who was the first oh-so-clever person who happened to wake up one morning and think to themselves... 'Oh yeah, you know what we need "Sexy Vampires" that can get all rude and dirty and stuff... and maybe don't go poof in the sun, cause that would be a dull story. Maybe we should just have them have a lot of sex and squirt their non existent Vampy love juice all over some kinky types.'

So if Vamps are - undead - cannot have babies, don't have a working circulatory system... How do they get it up? Erections need blood, it pumps from one head to the other (yes, I know it's more complicated than that). Wait for it, I can hear your cogs turning... Don't you dare answer with - "They drink blood!" - Shame on you, I eat steak, does this fuel my rampaging man-thing? Cause it doesn't (well it does but, once again it's complicated).

Betsy's Last Legs (Microfiction)

Welcome my dear, come in put your feet up and have a nice cup of tea! I decided to scribble "Betsy" after a friend put out a little Facebook request for stories "for a project". Hmm I thought, why not! But the request was a tough one, with a word count set at only 150 it would have to be tiny. I failed and the story ended up closer to 180 words, but no matter, because what I present to you now dear reader is the re-edit... Yes I went crazy and started inserting words all over the place. Not quite willy-nilly you'll be glad to know (well almost). This version stands at a mighty 290 words, yes count them if you doubt me, I dare you. Or you could just take my word for it (why not I've an honest face). For your entertainment, I present to you "Betsy's Last Legs", enjoy!

‘D’you know that Alanis Morissette track, you know the one, she warbles on about a load of “Ironic” shit and none of it is…

The Story So Far...

So here we are in 2012... and so far so-so. At work we were asked for a short list of reading resolutions for this year (my place of work is a book shop in case you were wondering - no, we're not geeks... how dare you). My contribution to this wall of inspiration/shame, call it what you will, was given with almost minutes of thought and sits proudly with the following.

The Cider House Rules - John Irving
Post Office - Charles Bukowski
The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle - Haruki Murakami

The Snowman (Microfiction)

I have a confession for you, this was the story I was going to write for you last Christmas. Yes it's late. You look surprised, I've been consistently slap-dash ever since I started this blog two years ago... Yeah I know, where have all the good times gone? Since it's the season of goodwill to all men (unless of course you happen to work in retail and everybody wants what you've just sold out of) you will have to forgive me. The reason that I've finally got around to writing this story is a simple one, I was wandering through the interweb reading some of my favourite blogs, when I stumbled across the flash fiction contest on "Terribleminds" Chuck Wendig issued the challenge - "CHRISTMAS IN A STRANGE PLACE" to which I answered with a scribble. If I get the chance I may post again in time for New Years... But I wouldn't hold your breath if I were you. So I wish you all 'Seasons Greetings' and a hope that next year will bring you some joy and happiness to call your own. Enjoy!

‘If I could just get a bloody signal I wouldn’t be in this mess.’ James shivers, as he fumbles to put his phone away, his hands clad in both pairs of his spare socks lack their usual dexterity. ‘At least I’m not as cold anymore, that’s something right?’ He tells himself as he presses on through the snow. ‘Jesus what a state to get into… Two pairs of Y-fronts don’t make much of a hat.’ He tugs at his head gear, trying to close the gaps where they do not quite meet. He staggers on, the wind blowing hard now causing the snow to sting his face, he prays they will find his car before the spring.

The Story So Far...

Okay it’s fair to say I’ve been an absentee blogger… I should hang my head in shame, my last posts were back in July. Yes I have a few good reasons, of course I do. What’s that? "You want answers, and you’re not leaving ‘til you get them!" In that case its only fair that I give you one (I'm pretty sure we've all heard that before).

Perfect Diction (Microfiction)

 Can you believe it's been two years since I climbed Mt Fuji? I know I can't, where the hell has the time gone? Why haven't I finished my bloody novel yet? Blah blah... Life! Blah blah... Work! Blah blah... Cute little babies and first born demanding attention. I've just celebrated the twelfth anniversary of my thirtieth birthday, so that means I'm getting on for middle aged. On the plus side at least I don't wet myself when I laugh! So I've been reading 'The Dirty Havana Trilogy' by Pedro Juan Gutierrez... So far, so bloody fantastic. If your starving, drunk on bad rum, and have no money to your name at least you can cheer yourself up by getting your sexy on. It has inspired me to throw this microfiction together. OK so the characters may not be staving, might possibly be a little tipsy, and almost certainly going to get their jiggy on. That's possibly as close to the book as it's going to get... Enjoy!

I run my fingers over my beard, I often do this if I’m thinking hard about something (or trying to give the impression that I’m thinking hard about something).

            ‘Well?’ she said and gives me a look that asks, ‘are you going to answer me tonight?’

            ‘What was the question again?’ We both know I’m playing with her.

She smiles and pours me another, repeating her question slowly letting her lips and tongue properly form the words. I adore the way they move, I could sit here and watch her talk all night. Perfect diction.

F.Y.I.

Waterstone's Plymouth Drake Circus store will be hosting an evening event on Saturday 2nd July starting at 18:30 to mark the launch of Julian Stockwin's new book 'Conquest'. Julian will be bringing along some rare naval artifacts as well as giving a reading from his latest book and making himself available for a Q & A. Tickets for this event are FREE from the store. If you or someone you know enjoys historical fiction and/or has a interest in historical naval shenanigans contact the store and get your name down.


Until next time...

The Story So Far...

I'm having to type in a whisper, I hope you are reading this quietly...
Why you ask!
Well 7 weeks ago my second son sprang forth from Lady Auburnville in a beautiful shower of blood and placenta and turned our little lives upside down.

The Story So Far...

Surprise!
(No I've not been ignoring you dear reader... Honest)

A very quick update for you, on Wednesday 23rd March @ 8pm GMT those lovely folks at Novel Publicity are giving me a Twitterview. Whats a twitterview? I hear you cry, well it's an interview on twitter (20 questions about this blog, my inside leg measurements and sexual preferences (well mostly my blog who would care about what a short arse gets up to).

So if you get your Twitter-on from time to time, you can follow the typos and the grammar house of horrors as they happen on #emlyn.

Hope to see you there at 8pm GMT! (Don't be late! Like I usually am.)

Until next time...

The Story So Far...

So here we are dear reader, we are at the dawn of a new era of publishing. This is the point where the indie authors can shake off the yoke of the old publishing houses and can walk head held high. It truly is a great time to be an author. I think the words of Seth Rogan in Knocked up sum it up best…

“You gotta’ be high off your ass on crack”.

Oh that’s right, Amazon and Barnes & Noble are both showing statistics that’s they are selling more Kindle / eBooks than printed books. But let’s not get our panties all moist too soon. We should not forget that these stats are based on internet sales only, with Amazon this is obvious but Barnes & Noble this is only their .com. The obvious question that they are not so quick to answer is, are they making more money or has a section of their sales just shifted to digital. One report I have read recently pointed out that the printed books on Amazon are very often available cheaper than their digital version.

The Senator, The Girl & Nobody (Part 2 of 2)

Here at last... Enjoy!

Both men watch the Girl slump onto the imported Italian marble. Nobody continues to stare at her confused, mind reeling. The Senator scoops up the discarded camera and advances on the bit-part player, his eyes gleaming with a murderous hunger. Nobody pleads for his life, trying to defend himself with one hand; while the other struggles to get his unruly erection back into his pants. The Senator flashes him his trademark shit-eating grin and I buy it, he is capable of anything.

The Senator, The Girl & Nobody (Part 1 of 2)

Here is my first piece of fiction for February, you'll have to excuse the sneaky way that I'm posting it in two halves. Providing that you enjoy it enough to come back the next half will be posted next week... See you then!

The Senator cracks a smile at someone, waves at another, this is his party. He’s been nominated to run in the big race for the top job. Right now the competition may as well be a retarded fourteen year old girl or one of the Sheen acting dynasty, strapped to a wheel chair and tripping on acid. The Senator is starting to feel unstoppable; if he wins he’ll be a modern day god walking the earth. From our vantage point we can watch the Senator as he and his wife work the crowd, all here in the grounds of her house in the Hampton’s for one reason, to kiss his ass.